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Sunday, April 15, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
The Final Blog-bye
Over the last few days I've been contemplating a lot of things, all of which are deeply personal and thoroughly complicated. This will be my final blog. The things I'm going through right now I feel are too personal to be displayed in detail over the internet. Blogs are great and can be very helpful in many ways, this unfortunately isn't one of them. I will gladly answer any questions anyone has about my experience or how I'm dealing with it, but privately via email or in person, etc. Maybe someday I will write in detail what has happened and have it published for the world to see, but at this point in the "recovery" process I don't think I'm ready for the emotional roller coaster or the judgment that comes along with blogging.
This is my final "Wish Me Luck", and trust me I'll need it!
This is my final "Wish Me Luck", and trust me I'll need it!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Unbearable Lightness and how it helped me understand.
This may get a little more personal than most of you are prepared to read. So that is your warning.
Here is the story of my battle with weight-loss, obsession and understanding.
Starting from a very young age I was overly conscious of my body. It was obvious to me that I was more worried about it than most others. I learned quickly how to put up a front showing otherwise, but deep down I felt more insecure than anything. The first time I really remember becoming worried about my body when I was about 8/9 years old and mom and I went shopping for school clothes... I ended up in the girls plus department, and it made me feel dirty, an outcast. It only worsened when I began dance lessons. Although I loved dance class I hated feeling like the larger girl in class. I was a good dancer, able to do most of the things the other girls could do (with the exception of the elite girls). One particular time sticks out in my memory- When I was in an advanced class my 'assignment' so to speak was to allow 2 other girls to lift me up and then do a back bend over their arms supporting me. I knew that I could physically do it, but I was so worried that the girls wouldn't be able to lift me up, that I refused to do it and made the instructor switch my positions with one of the thinner girls because I knew I could help lift no problem. I did this discretely but I'm pretty sure everyone knew my reasoning.
Years later in high school I felt out of place. I started high school weighing in at 162 lbs and at 5'3 was fat. Eventually over the next year I managed to drop down to 136 which is where I remained over the next 3 years. Even through the weight loss I was still feeling like the only over weight one out of all my friends. Or at least that's all I saw. Even though I'd lost 20 lbs in my mind I was a fat slob. I started using dieting pills at age 16. Xenadrine was my pill of choice, the one before they changed all of their formulas to be ephedra free. I would like to say it helped, but instead it just started the defeatist attitude that would plague me until I moved to home from Disney. From that point on my lunch time pizza and fries turned into regret. I ate it anyway, as everyone at our lunch table ate it, and I didn't want to be the only weird one eating a salad. I knew this was a bad thing, but I didn't care, not only did I want to fit in, but quite frankly, I liked sardella's pizza. The excessive rollerblading around the block began, a way for me to workout without question. Lap after lap after lap. I quickly realized that "fitting in" really wasn't going to happen and began working as hard as possible to graduate a semester early, hoping I would feel like I fit in once college began.
Unfortunately that wasn't the case. The pressure to fit in subsided slightly, but the stress of now needing to succeed in college and beginning going to a gym made me feel even more self conscious. While at the gym they took our measurements, height, weight, body fat, and all body measurements, which made me feel vulnerable. I wanted to be told that I was relatively average, and instead of needing to lose that really my best interest was just to maintain where I was. Instead my personal trainer told me to do these workouts, do this much cardio, and eat this type of food and I'd be down to where "I" wanted in no time. Month after month my weigh ins didn't go the way they should have. All my hard work in the gym wasn't paying off, I was staying right where I was, in the 136-140 range. No one explained to me that muscle would do that to me, even if they would have, it wouldn't have mattered. All I could see was the all important number on the scale. What would plague me for the next 9 years. I did different workout programs, whatever I could think of. I did different boot camps and worked out with different trainers. I became sort of a gym rat. All the while though, my weight stuck at the 136-140 range.
Throughout college there were ups and downs, but my weight slowly crept back up to the 150 range. I hated myself for it. I didn't know how I could let that happen. And so shortly after moving out of my parents house the serious dieting began. It started with just lots of time at the gym. Starting with a half hour here, half hour there, then hour here and hour there, until there were times that I was working out for a full 3-4 hours a day 6 or 7 days a week. On top of that I was eating a strict 1400 calorie diet. Eventually it caught up with me. Being back near the 136 lb mark was fine and good but the mood swings and exhaustion was too much to deal with. So I cut back to a reasonable hour a day 6 days a week. The scale slowly crept back up the 150 lbs over the next year.
At some point a radio dj had done the cookie diet to lose 100+ pounds. And he had managed to keep it off for almost a year! I decided I had to try it. The diet itself was ridiculous, but I stuck to it, religiously. Eating their dry, stale tasting cookies, drinking their chalky tasting shakes and sticking to a strict protein and veggies dinner of under 500 calories. The weight fell off, quickly. Soon the dreaded scale was showing an amazing 132 lbs! Ecstatic doesn't even begin to describe my feelings. Once here the doctors at the program determined this was a healthy weight for me, sent me away with the so called tools needed to maintain this. I started doing bikram yoga every day for 30 days, felt great too, until I puked my guts out from dehydration and lack of nutrition. I slowly began incorporating more foods into my diet which only brought my weight up slightly, to 135 where it stayed for about 8 months.
Where I started culinary school. Why a girl with food problems decided it would be a good idea to go to culinary school, I have no idea. But nevertheless... Over the course of the next 12 months the scale only went up to 145. And with all of the decadent foods made at Scottsdale Culinary Institute that was an amazing accomplishment! A move across country is never easy, and doing it alone makes it even harder. You want comfort food. You want to be comforted. And luckily (or unluckily) for me, Disney World had every food you could possibly imagine. My comfort food of choice- the triple chocolate brownie (from Hollywood Studios or Downtown Disney), and let me tell you, if I could find someone who had that recipe I would be a happy girl. The TCB and I didn't meet very often, maybe once every week or once every other week, but there were plenty of other things to help my weight creep back up to 150 lbs. Some of it was emotional eating, as the bf and I were having some major issues with not only the distance but also with him thinking I was choosing work over him, where in my mind he should have been seeing it as the opportunity of a lifetime. All in all looking back now, Disney taught me more than could have been learned at any University. I am grateful now for the opportunity I was given, and wouldn't have traded it for anything, even the weight I gained while there.
Once I got home I felt as though I was at a loss of control of my life. I was supposed to come home for a week and then move to Colorado, but my one week stay turned into two months as my bf was 'busy' with work. My lack of control over the situation gave way to my newest obsession. Tracking every calorie I put into my body and working out 6 days a week. This time using workout dvds, which I love. My mom tried to convince me that eating one egg for breakfast even if it was with an english muffin wasn't enough. But since I was going to be eating in exactly three hours I told her I was fine. I ate anywhere between 800-1400 calories. Mostly staying around the 1200 calorie mark with a few exceptions. It worked, the scale slowly came back down in the two months of being home it had gone back up to 157 lbs and come back down to 147 by the time of Rachel's wedding. I was so excited, elated even, that I hit the 10 lb mark before that special event! My treat for myself was a to enjoy my trip to Maine. And I did.
Right after returning home I moved to Colorado, where the real fun began. Life no longer revolved around anything else except what was going into my body and what I was doing to help counteract it. I did a lot of research in this time to find out how you should be eating, how often and how to determine calories in vs calories out. It became an obsession. Everyone around me praised my will power and my ability to stick to my workouts. Honestly it was easy. The bf was off playing at the mountains for 5 days straight and I worked 5 days a week (including his days off) so that left me living in a new town with very few friends and no family with very little money and therefore nothing to do. In turn tracking calories and workouts became my life. I tracked every single calorie that I ate, and to make it a little easier I ate nearly the same things every day. (Cereal with protein powder for breakfast, couple egg whites with a slice of cheese and salsa for snack, open faced chicken sandwich with a side salad for lunch, snack of protein bar or pb&j and chicken breast with bbq sauce for dinner.) It was almost a perfect 38/38/24 ratio. I changed up my chicken sandwich based on what I wanted at work but it was almost always chicken or turkey. I rarely ate things I wasn't "supposed" to. Except during the binges. My downfall was the peanut butter. I love peanut butter. How could anyone not?!? So creamy, salty and sweet. I would eat it by the spoonful, or sometimes by the fingerful. And when I craved chocolate too, I would sneak upstairs and dip into the mini chocolate chips and throw them in with my peanut butter and just chomp down. Sometimes eating 2 or 3 servings in one sitting! I disgusted myself when this happened. Everyone thought I had such will power, but they were wrong, pitiful. Thats what I was, just pitiful, and pathetic. Sometimes I would contemplate purging after my binge, but I hated throwing up. Even when I had the stomach flu, I cried when I had to do it. So instead I would just promise myself that it wouldn't happen again, and I would work it off the next day. Do a double workout... through good times and bad my workouts were there for me. They were stress relieving. They were intense. I was proud to call myself a power90 success story and shortly after a p90x success story and shortly after a ChaLEAN Extreme success story. All intense workouts, all completed! My favorite was ChaLEAN Extreme, not only did I love her personality, but there was something about feeling STRONG. And that's exactly what it made me feel. The guys at work joked around with me, poking my abs and joking about how many MAN push ups I could do. It was nice to feel like people noticed my hard work... Everyone did... Everyone except me. I liked the way I looked, true. But no matter how thin I got or what size I wore. I looked at my abs and they weren't good enough, my thighs were too big, my arms were too flabby, my breasts had shrunk to nearly nothing. Just before moving to Maine the dreaded scale hit a number I never thought it would 129 lbs, 25% body fat, and my jean size- 4!
Normal people would have been beyond happy with those numbers. But not me. I looked at myself and said that 4 could fit a little looser. That 129 could be 125. Then I moved to Maine. Over the course of the 5 days it took to get there I gained 3 lbs. Mostly water weight, I wasn't too concerned, until I couldn't get it to come off. Suddenly I was living with my bf and my best friend and her husband. I didn't have all the time in the world to track calories and workout. I stayed at the 132 for a few months, but then weight slowly crept back on. Tracking calories was tedious, boring, depressing. I hated doing it. And now that I was cooking dinner for 4 of us I couldn't stick with my current fail safe food plan. I kept trying to figure out different plans, but over the course of the next year and a half my weight crept back up to 157 lbs! I was devastated. All that hard work, gone. All of that praise, gone. All of those cute clothes, unwearable. I was a failure. I promised myself that this time was different. I would maintain my weight once I got there. The problem with that statement is nothing was ever good enough. Mini goal after mini goal after large goal and more mini goals... My goals kept getting lower and lower. There was never an end in sight. Depressed and now living with my new boyfriend (now husband) I began working out again. TurboFire this time. Kept it up for a while, but got bored. Started tracking calories, but hated it. Decided a new diet plan would solve my problems. Began eating vegan 6 days a week, via the 4 hour body. After 4 weeks, 7 lbs were gone. Starting to feel better about myself I went back to counting calories and back to TurboFire. I got a bodybugg and was shocked to see how many calories I was burning a day. Turns out I was eating too little. This helped a little, another pound gone. Lost motivation again. Got engaged to a wonderful man, who didn't care that I was 14 lbs more than I was when I met him. Flaws and all he loved me. You would think an engagement would be some killer motivation for losing weight, but when you've done it over and over again, its so hard. My goal before the wedding was to just stay the same, and amazingly that is exactly what happened. The few days before the wedding I must have lost another pound or two due to stress cause my dress was a little big but all in all I was proud of myself. I married the love of my life and wasn't stressed about my weight for the first time in my life that I could remember. Until I saw the pictures the next day. I was shocked. So disappointed that I didn't try harder. Didn't do better. Didn't look better for the day we would remember for the rest of our lives. Disappointment doesn't even begin to say how I felt about myself. The more I look at the pictures the better I feel about them, hopefully in due time I can look through them and not see my flaws on my perfect day and instead just see the amazingly perfect day where I married the love of my life.
Since that day I have struggled to get back to my weight loss. Plagued with problems, once back into the swing of things I refused to listen to my body. I was sore, no big deal right, everyone is sore after a fresh workout after a few weeks off... Next day, pushed through, again sore but no biggie right. Third day, could barely move, was so sore, more sore than I think I've ever been in my life, and what do I decide to do? Work out, you know, to help loosen up the soreness. Unfortunately I refused to listen to the pain my body was in, pretending it was just soreness so that I could continue towards my goals. Since that day I've had some severe back pain. Its hit or miss depending on the day. Sometimes it barely hurts at all and others it feels like a stabbing pain going throughout my entire body. Now something that has to be dealt with because my body was screaming out in pain and I refused to listen.
This has forced a probably much needed break from the weight loss arena. Being unable to workout has been hard. Harder than you can imagine. But now I'm realizing this happened for a reason. While taking a break I have been able to read more. A friend recommended Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi. That was a few months back, and I didn't want to read it. I was afraid of what she had to say. But finally after trying to prolong it, I gave in.
Saying it was hard to read is the understatement of the century. I found myself wanting to cry at times and I found myself reeling through my memories as if they were old movies. I understood where she was coming from at many points throughout the book. I'd felt some of those same emotions. I also felt relief, that it wasn't just me. No one likes to talk about the binging that goes along with dieting, although we all know that it happens more often than not. And to finally read that someone else was having similar problems made me feel better. I connected with it in a way... Although I wish I couldn't say that... Up until the last chapter I was hoping for her to find a successful cure, because then maybe there would be hope for me. And then I realized I've had hope all along, just the wrong tools. While reading the epilogue I started crying. I was so relieved that she had been able to break the terrible habit of binging that it gave me hope. Although we've all been told everything in moderation, no one ever really goes into how that can happen. But Portia did. And I would like to thank her for that. To explain that its not easy, and that eating diet food won't help and that not eating the things you love because you can only have them certain times won't help. I stopped listening to my body years and years ago, figuring it obviously didn't know what it was talking about. Although now I don't know if I ever really heard it in the first place. While I was dieting I was telling my body that it was hungry every 3 hours regardless of if it was. I was telling my body what it needed instead of listening to it. It never dawned on me that my body is a well oiled machine, and it knows what it wants and what it needs. As stupid as it sounds, but I needed someone who had been in my shoes to tell me its ok to eat those chips or fries if its what my body wants, but that I need to listen to it tell me when its done. I needed someone who has been there tell me that I may gain a little weight in the beginning doing this but eventually if I listened to my body it would even out.
Over my years of dieting I know that I asked a million and a half questions, to experts, to colleagues, to friends, to family. And I always listened to their answers and did what was recommended. But never once did I ask my body what it wanted or needed and listen to it. It seems like such an obvious answer. How should someone else know what is going to be best for my body? They won't, only listening to my body will be able to tell me that.
Tonight I told Nick that I was going to stop dieting as of today. And I cried. I don't think I've ever said that aloud in my life. Counting calories is not a lifestyle, its hell. Starving or depriving yourself of what you love terrible. And as its been said- I'll help you diet, but you'll just gain it back anyway. It will not be easy to unlearn everything that I know about food, nutrition, calories and working out. But it has to be done. It will not be easy to accept my body as it is, flaws and all, although having a loving husband who loves me even with those flaws helps.
If you know anyone who would benefit from reading this, please share it with them. And I urge you to read Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi if you or anyone you know or love has struggled with weight loss ever in their life.
I look forward to seeing where this new sense of self takes me. I look forward to looking at food as food, not a number. I look forward to seeing the best in myself. I look forward to learning new hobbies along the way. And last but not least- I look forward to spending the rest of my life with my loving husband by my side who is there for me through it all.
Here is the story of my battle with weight-loss, obsession and understanding.
Starting from a very young age I was overly conscious of my body. It was obvious to me that I was more worried about it than most others. I learned quickly how to put up a front showing otherwise, but deep down I felt more insecure than anything. The first time I really remember becoming worried about my body when I was about 8/9 years old and mom and I went shopping for school clothes... I ended up in the girls plus department, and it made me feel dirty, an outcast. It only worsened when I began dance lessons. Although I loved dance class I hated feeling like the larger girl in class. I was a good dancer, able to do most of the things the other girls could do (with the exception of the elite girls). One particular time sticks out in my memory- When I was in an advanced class my 'assignment' so to speak was to allow 2 other girls to lift me up and then do a back bend over their arms supporting me. I knew that I could physically do it, but I was so worried that the girls wouldn't be able to lift me up, that I refused to do it and made the instructor switch my positions with one of the thinner girls because I knew I could help lift no problem. I did this discretely but I'm pretty sure everyone knew my reasoning.
Years later in high school I felt out of place. I started high school weighing in at 162 lbs and at 5'3 was fat. Eventually over the next year I managed to drop down to 136 which is where I remained over the next 3 years. Even through the weight loss I was still feeling like the only over weight one out of all my friends. Or at least that's all I saw. Even though I'd lost 20 lbs in my mind I was a fat slob. I started using dieting pills at age 16. Xenadrine was my pill of choice, the one before they changed all of their formulas to be ephedra free. I would like to say it helped, but instead it just started the defeatist attitude that would plague me until I moved to home from Disney. From that point on my lunch time pizza and fries turned into regret. I ate it anyway, as everyone at our lunch table ate it, and I didn't want to be the only weird one eating a salad. I knew this was a bad thing, but I didn't care, not only did I want to fit in, but quite frankly, I liked sardella's pizza. The excessive rollerblading around the block began, a way for me to workout without question. Lap after lap after lap. I quickly realized that "fitting in" really wasn't going to happen and began working as hard as possible to graduate a semester early, hoping I would feel like I fit in once college began.
Unfortunately that wasn't the case. The pressure to fit in subsided slightly, but the stress of now needing to succeed in college and beginning going to a gym made me feel even more self conscious. While at the gym they took our measurements, height, weight, body fat, and all body measurements, which made me feel vulnerable. I wanted to be told that I was relatively average, and instead of needing to lose that really my best interest was just to maintain where I was. Instead my personal trainer told me to do these workouts, do this much cardio, and eat this type of food and I'd be down to where "I" wanted in no time. Month after month my weigh ins didn't go the way they should have. All my hard work in the gym wasn't paying off, I was staying right where I was, in the 136-140 range. No one explained to me that muscle would do that to me, even if they would have, it wouldn't have mattered. All I could see was the all important number on the scale. What would plague me for the next 9 years. I did different workout programs, whatever I could think of. I did different boot camps and worked out with different trainers. I became sort of a gym rat. All the while though, my weight stuck at the 136-140 range.
Throughout college there were ups and downs, but my weight slowly crept back up to the 150 range. I hated myself for it. I didn't know how I could let that happen. And so shortly after moving out of my parents house the serious dieting began. It started with just lots of time at the gym. Starting with a half hour here, half hour there, then hour here and hour there, until there were times that I was working out for a full 3-4 hours a day 6 or 7 days a week. On top of that I was eating a strict 1400 calorie diet. Eventually it caught up with me. Being back near the 136 lb mark was fine and good but the mood swings and exhaustion was too much to deal with. So I cut back to a reasonable hour a day 6 days a week. The scale slowly crept back up the 150 lbs over the next year.
At some point a radio dj had done the cookie diet to lose 100+ pounds. And he had managed to keep it off for almost a year! I decided I had to try it. The diet itself was ridiculous, but I stuck to it, religiously. Eating their dry, stale tasting cookies, drinking their chalky tasting shakes and sticking to a strict protein and veggies dinner of under 500 calories. The weight fell off, quickly. Soon the dreaded scale was showing an amazing 132 lbs! Ecstatic doesn't even begin to describe my feelings. Once here the doctors at the program determined this was a healthy weight for me, sent me away with the so called tools needed to maintain this. I started doing bikram yoga every day for 30 days, felt great too, until I puked my guts out from dehydration and lack of nutrition. I slowly began incorporating more foods into my diet which only brought my weight up slightly, to 135 where it stayed for about 8 months.
Where I started culinary school. Why a girl with food problems decided it would be a good idea to go to culinary school, I have no idea. But nevertheless... Over the course of the next 12 months the scale only went up to 145. And with all of the decadent foods made at Scottsdale Culinary Institute that was an amazing accomplishment! A move across country is never easy, and doing it alone makes it even harder. You want comfort food. You want to be comforted. And luckily (or unluckily) for me, Disney World had every food you could possibly imagine. My comfort food of choice- the triple chocolate brownie (from Hollywood Studios or Downtown Disney), and let me tell you, if I could find someone who had that recipe I would be a happy girl. The TCB and I didn't meet very often, maybe once every week or once every other week, but there were plenty of other things to help my weight creep back up to 150 lbs. Some of it was emotional eating, as the bf and I were having some major issues with not only the distance but also with him thinking I was choosing work over him, where in my mind he should have been seeing it as the opportunity of a lifetime. All in all looking back now, Disney taught me more than could have been learned at any University. I am grateful now for the opportunity I was given, and wouldn't have traded it for anything, even the weight I gained while there.
Once I got home I felt as though I was at a loss of control of my life. I was supposed to come home for a week and then move to Colorado, but my one week stay turned into two months as my bf was 'busy' with work. My lack of control over the situation gave way to my newest obsession. Tracking every calorie I put into my body and working out 6 days a week. This time using workout dvds, which I love. My mom tried to convince me that eating one egg for breakfast even if it was with an english muffin wasn't enough. But since I was going to be eating in exactly three hours I told her I was fine. I ate anywhere between 800-1400 calories. Mostly staying around the 1200 calorie mark with a few exceptions. It worked, the scale slowly came back down in the two months of being home it had gone back up to 157 lbs and come back down to 147 by the time of Rachel's wedding. I was so excited, elated even, that I hit the 10 lb mark before that special event! My treat for myself was a to enjoy my trip to Maine. And I did.
Right after returning home I moved to Colorado, where the real fun began. Life no longer revolved around anything else except what was going into my body and what I was doing to help counteract it. I did a lot of research in this time to find out how you should be eating, how often and how to determine calories in vs calories out. It became an obsession. Everyone around me praised my will power and my ability to stick to my workouts. Honestly it was easy. The bf was off playing at the mountains for 5 days straight and I worked 5 days a week (including his days off) so that left me living in a new town with very few friends and no family with very little money and therefore nothing to do. In turn tracking calories and workouts became my life. I tracked every single calorie that I ate, and to make it a little easier I ate nearly the same things every day. (Cereal with protein powder for breakfast, couple egg whites with a slice of cheese and salsa for snack, open faced chicken sandwich with a side salad for lunch, snack of protein bar or pb&j and chicken breast with bbq sauce for dinner.) It was almost a perfect 38/38/24 ratio. I changed up my chicken sandwich based on what I wanted at work but it was almost always chicken or turkey. I rarely ate things I wasn't "supposed" to. Except during the binges. My downfall was the peanut butter. I love peanut butter. How could anyone not?!? So creamy, salty and sweet. I would eat it by the spoonful, or sometimes by the fingerful. And when I craved chocolate too, I would sneak upstairs and dip into the mini chocolate chips and throw them in with my peanut butter and just chomp down. Sometimes eating 2 or 3 servings in one sitting! I disgusted myself when this happened. Everyone thought I had such will power, but they were wrong, pitiful. Thats what I was, just pitiful, and pathetic. Sometimes I would contemplate purging after my binge, but I hated throwing up. Even when I had the stomach flu, I cried when I had to do it. So instead I would just promise myself that it wouldn't happen again, and I would work it off the next day. Do a double workout... through good times and bad my workouts were there for me. They were stress relieving. They were intense. I was proud to call myself a power90 success story and shortly after a p90x success story and shortly after a ChaLEAN Extreme success story. All intense workouts, all completed! My favorite was ChaLEAN Extreme, not only did I love her personality, but there was something about feeling STRONG. And that's exactly what it made me feel. The guys at work joked around with me, poking my abs and joking about how many MAN push ups I could do. It was nice to feel like people noticed my hard work... Everyone did... Everyone except me. I liked the way I looked, true. But no matter how thin I got or what size I wore. I looked at my abs and they weren't good enough, my thighs were too big, my arms were too flabby, my breasts had shrunk to nearly nothing. Just before moving to Maine the dreaded scale hit a number I never thought it would 129 lbs, 25% body fat, and my jean size- 4!
Normal people would have been beyond happy with those numbers. But not me. I looked at myself and said that 4 could fit a little looser. That 129 could be 125. Then I moved to Maine. Over the course of the 5 days it took to get there I gained 3 lbs. Mostly water weight, I wasn't too concerned, until I couldn't get it to come off. Suddenly I was living with my bf and my best friend and her husband. I didn't have all the time in the world to track calories and workout. I stayed at the 132 for a few months, but then weight slowly crept back on. Tracking calories was tedious, boring, depressing. I hated doing it. And now that I was cooking dinner for 4 of us I couldn't stick with my current fail safe food plan. I kept trying to figure out different plans, but over the course of the next year and a half my weight crept back up to 157 lbs! I was devastated. All that hard work, gone. All of that praise, gone. All of those cute clothes, unwearable. I was a failure. I promised myself that this time was different. I would maintain my weight once I got there. The problem with that statement is nothing was ever good enough. Mini goal after mini goal after large goal and more mini goals... My goals kept getting lower and lower. There was never an end in sight. Depressed and now living with my new boyfriend (now husband) I began working out again. TurboFire this time. Kept it up for a while, but got bored. Started tracking calories, but hated it. Decided a new diet plan would solve my problems. Began eating vegan 6 days a week, via the 4 hour body. After 4 weeks, 7 lbs were gone. Starting to feel better about myself I went back to counting calories and back to TurboFire. I got a bodybugg and was shocked to see how many calories I was burning a day. Turns out I was eating too little. This helped a little, another pound gone. Lost motivation again. Got engaged to a wonderful man, who didn't care that I was 14 lbs more than I was when I met him. Flaws and all he loved me. You would think an engagement would be some killer motivation for losing weight, but when you've done it over and over again, its so hard. My goal before the wedding was to just stay the same, and amazingly that is exactly what happened. The few days before the wedding I must have lost another pound or two due to stress cause my dress was a little big but all in all I was proud of myself. I married the love of my life and wasn't stressed about my weight for the first time in my life that I could remember. Until I saw the pictures the next day. I was shocked. So disappointed that I didn't try harder. Didn't do better. Didn't look better for the day we would remember for the rest of our lives. Disappointment doesn't even begin to say how I felt about myself. The more I look at the pictures the better I feel about them, hopefully in due time I can look through them and not see my flaws on my perfect day and instead just see the amazingly perfect day where I married the love of my life.
Since that day I have struggled to get back to my weight loss. Plagued with problems, once back into the swing of things I refused to listen to my body. I was sore, no big deal right, everyone is sore after a fresh workout after a few weeks off... Next day, pushed through, again sore but no biggie right. Third day, could barely move, was so sore, more sore than I think I've ever been in my life, and what do I decide to do? Work out, you know, to help loosen up the soreness. Unfortunately I refused to listen to the pain my body was in, pretending it was just soreness so that I could continue towards my goals. Since that day I've had some severe back pain. Its hit or miss depending on the day. Sometimes it barely hurts at all and others it feels like a stabbing pain going throughout my entire body. Now something that has to be dealt with because my body was screaming out in pain and I refused to listen.
This has forced a probably much needed break from the weight loss arena. Being unable to workout has been hard. Harder than you can imagine. But now I'm realizing this happened for a reason. While taking a break I have been able to read more. A friend recommended Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi. That was a few months back, and I didn't want to read it. I was afraid of what she had to say. But finally after trying to prolong it, I gave in.
Saying it was hard to read is the understatement of the century. I found myself wanting to cry at times and I found myself reeling through my memories as if they were old movies. I understood where she was coming from at many points throughout the book. I'd felt some of those same emotions. I also felt relief, that it wasn't just me. No one likes to talk about the binging that goes along with dieting, although we all know that it happens more often than not. And to finally read that someone else was having similar problems made me feel better. I connected with it in a way... Although I wish I couldn't say that... Up until the last chapter I was hoping for her to find a successful cure, because then maybe there would be hope for me. And then I realized I've had hope all along, just the wrong tools. While reading the epilogue I started crying. I was so relieved that she had been able to break the terrible habit of binging that it gave me hope. Although we've all been told everything in moderation, no one ever really goes into how that can happen. But Portia did. And I would like to thank her for that. To explain that its not easy, and that eating diet food won't help and that not eating the things you love because you can only have them certain times won't help. I stopped listening to my body years and years ago, figuring it obviously didn't know what it was talking about. Although now I don't know if I ever really heard it in the first place. While I was dieting I was telling my body that it was hungry every 3 hours regardless of if it was. I was telling my body what it needed instead of listening to it. It never dawned on me that my body is a well oiled machine, and it knows what it wants and what it needs. As stupid as it sounds, but I needed someone who had been in my shoes to tell me its ok to eat those chips or fries if its what my body wants, but that I need to listen to it tell me when its done. I needed someone who has been there tell me that I may gain a little weight in the beginning doing this but eventually if I listened to my body it would even out.
Over my years of dieting I know that I asked a million and a half questions, to experts, to colleagues, to friends, to family. And I always listened to their answers and did what was recommended. But never once did I ask my body what it wanted or needed and listen to it. It seems like such an obvious answer. How should someone else know what is going to be best for my body? They won't, only listening to my body will be able to tell me that.
Tonight I told Nick that I was going to stop dieting as of today. And I cried. I don't think I've ever said that aloud in my life. Counting calories is not a lifestyle, its hell. Starving or depriving yourself of what you love terrible. And as its been said- I'll help you diet, but you'll just gain it back anyway. It will not be easy to unlearn everything that I know about food, nutrition, calories and working out. But it has to be done. It will not be easy to accept my body as it is, flaws and all, although having a loving husband who loves me even with those flaws helps.
If you know anyone who would benefit from reading this, please share it with them. And I urge you to read Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi if you or anyone you know or love has struggled with weight loss ever in their life.
I look forward to seeing where this new sense of self takes me. I look forward to looking at food as food, not a number. I look forward to seeing the best in myself. I look forward to learning new hobbies along the way. And last but not least- I look forward to spending the rest of my life with my loving husband by my side who is there for me through it all.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Know when to back off...
Unfortunately my plans have been put on hold. After some intense lower back pain I've been forced to put my working out on hold. The only thing I can really do right now is walk around and some mild yoga. Although on Saturday I pushed a little too hard even at yoga and ended up in paralyzing pain. So, something to keep in mind, when you feel like you've tweaked something or when you're so sore you can barely move, take a day or two off... After 2 or 3 days of working out I could barely move, and instead of taking a day off I pushed forward, and in doing so tweaked my back. I went to do some lifting and my body was so sore that I couldn't safely lift above my head. So- lesson learned.
I started reading Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi and it is a great book so far. Only at chapter 6, but it really explains what goes through your head when you're constantly concerned with food, as an anorexic, bulimic, obsessive or observant. She did an amazing job telling the story that captivates you and really brings you to understand how the disease can take hold of someone. However it has also shown me that I walk a very fine line between trying to lose weight and obsession with food. It makes me not want to count every calorie, because that is an easy way to become obsessed, and knowing I became obsessed before makes me definitely not want to again. Unfortunately, as I explained to my cousin when she asked why I track every calorie, my response was because I know it works... So now I'm on a mission to find another option. Because even though I know it works doesn't mean its right, as with Portia's story of the 1000kilojoule diet (300 calories) She knew it worked after doing it many times in the past, but that definitely doesn't mean it is right.
As for everything else, it seems to be going well. I feel I'm doing pretty well keeping myself together. Still no bites on the revamped resume, but I'm hopeful that something will catch soon. One other thing- thinking back to working at Disney. I feel I didn't get the most out of my Disney opportunity. While at the college program I didn't take any of the classes and did very little of the extra curricular opportunities. Now, some things I can't do over, seeing as I don't still work there, however I can still get some stuff out of it. I looked up the curriculum for the classes I didn't go to and wrote down all of the books that were required and recommended reading. So I am going to read those. It will allow me to get a little more out of my Disney college program experience. I'm kind of excited. There were always a few of those books I wanted to read back then but once I left I couldn't every find out what they were, well I was going through my old emails from Disney and found the website that told me! I was so excited! As soon as I'm done with Unforgettable Lightness I will start on one of those!
On tap today- rest my back! Ice and Heat in intervals, plus regular motrin 800! And while I'm sitting here relaxing my back, I might as well apply for as many jobs as possible!
Wish me luck!
I started reading Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi and it is a great book so far. Only at chapter 6, but it really explains what goes through your head when you're constantly concerned with food, as an anorexic, bulimic, obsessive or observant. She did an amazing job telling the story that captivates you and really brings you to understand how the disease can take hold of someone. However it has also shown me that I walk a very fine line between trying to lose weight and obsession with food. It makes me not want to count every calorie, because that is an easy way to become obsessed, and knowing I became obsessed before makes me definitely not want to again. Unfortunately, as I explained to my cousin when she asked why I track every calorie, my response was because I know it works... So now I'm on a mission to find another option. Because even though I know it works doesn't mean its right, as with Portia's story of the 1000kilojoule diet (300 calories) She knew it worked after doing it many times in the past, but that definitely doesn't mean it is right.
As for everything else, it seems to be going well. I feel I'm doing pretty well keeping myself together. Still no bites on the revamped resume, but I'm hopeful that something will catch soon. One other thing- thinking back to working at Disney. I feel I didn't get the most out of my Disney opportunity. While at the college program I didn't take any of the classes and did very little of the extra curricular opportunities. Now, some things I can't do over, seeing as I don't still work there, however I can still get some stuff out of it. I looked up the curriculum for the classes I didn't go to and wrote down all of the books that were required and recommended reading. So I am going to read those. It will allow me to get a little more out of my Disney college program experience. I'm kind of excited. There were always a few of those books I wanted to read back then but once I left I couldn't every find out what they were, well I was going through my old emails from Disney and found the website that told me! I was so excited! As soon as I'm done with Unforgettable Lightness I will start on one of those!
On tap today- rest my back! Ice and Heat in intervals, plus regular motrin 800! And while I'm sitting here relaxing my back, I might as well apply for as many jobs as possible!
Wish me luck!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
New month, Renewed focus
The last week was a rough one, my expectations were high, and I fell hard when they didn't go quite as planned. Realistic expectations Is the name of the game this week. I would like to maintain my workout schedule doing at least 5 days this week, doing yoga at least 1 day. Lets stick with that as a start. When it comes to my diet, my goal is to eat a little less sugar. We are going to work with mini goals this week and hope for a slightly better outcome. As for the scale, I would like to see it go in the correct direction, but I am not going to get pissed if it doesn't.
Nick and I revamped my resume, so hopefully that helps me snag a job.
Going to keep this post short and sweet. Today went well doing everything I was supposed to. And I am determined for tomorrow to be the same!
Wish me luck!
PS- TurboFire Fire60 is an intense workout to do when you haven't done any TF in months! Holy Cow! But It felt good!
Nick and I revamped my resume, so hopefully that helps me snag a job.
Going to keep this post short and sweet. Today went well doing everything I was supposed to. And I am determined for tomorrow to be the same!
Wish me luck!
PS- TurboFire Fire60 is an intense workout to do when you haven't done any TF in months! Holy Cow! But It felt good!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
The scale.
Ok, so I usually don't let the scale get to me that much but today it was really hard to see it go up a pound and a half. I wish it were as simple as "Calories in Vs Calories out" cause if that were the case I would be down just under 1 pound. I wish I understood the body more to know understand why it went up so much. Nick told me not to let it bother me, as I've done some pretty intense lifting this week, and although I completely agree and know that will affect it. My body fat also didn't change and the rest of the counts weren't off much at all. Makes me wonder. It also sucks all of the motivation out of me. Its insane that just 1 week ago I was in full fledged 100% motivation mode, and now my motivation is down to about 10%.
I think back to how I managed to lose the weight before. And although I succeeded, I was miserable. Eating a VERY strict, VERY boring diet, of the same thing (40%carbs, 40%protein, 20%fat almost exact every day). Egg sandwich for breakfast, snack of fruit and yogurt, lunch of protein packed sandwich or salad, snack of protein bar or pb&j sandwich, and dinner of veggies and chicken. The only time it changed was if I wanted cereal for breakfast instead then I did protein powder cereal. If there was a party or something I never ate cake or ice cream for fear of wanting more of it. On occasion I got fiber one bars for a snack. And although I managed to keep that going over the course of a year, getting my weight down to an impressive 130 lbs. I was miserable and when I got into maintenance mode I couldn't keep it up for another year. I tried my best to keep it going, but being a chef brings in a whole new set of problems. I hated tracking every single thing that went into my body and even more I hated the guilty feeling I got when I ate something I knew wasn't in my dietary plan. I would love to have my old body back and lose the almost 20 lbs I've gained, but at what cost. To not enjoy the gift of food seems like an awfully high price to pay. For a while my motivation to be able to eat more was to work out, the more I worked out the more food I was allowed to eat, unfortunately I was not eating good for me foods which in turn just make things worse.
I'm not sure how I can find a happy medium. One might think I did it before I can do it again, and I keep trying to find that willpower I once had. But so many things are different now. I worked out because I needed to work through depressing times, and I needed some happiness, even if it was artificial. I also didn't cook for anyone else and didn't worry about how my eating affected someone else. I do now, which adds another level of confusion.
As for the rest of my challenge. I'm managing. Like I have said time and time again every day that I apply for 5 jobs and don't get even 1 response is one more day I feel like its a useless cause. But I keep on truckin.
The stress less thing is a near impossibility with my return to work inching nearer. And our house still not being started yet. But now that I'm done with my most recent book series, I will be starting on some others that might help me to get over the stress hump.
Been trying to do things I love daily, mostly it has been reading as I read 6 books in the month of February alone. My goal was 12 in a year and I'm already at 7 this year and we're not even at March 1st yet! So that is definitely a success. Like I said I will be moving onto a book with a little more substance next. Not that I don't love mysteries involving high priced stilettos, but one can only read so much of those.
My calories for the day is right around 1600 which is still pretty good, at around 45/30/25 which is also pretty good. Hopefully I can find some motivation over the next week to eat healthier. I know I need to remove some more of the sugar from my diet, I just need to find a way to do that. Easier said than done.
My goal for tomorrow is to do yoga first thing in the am (which may or may not be at 3 bridges depending on the snow fall. If its still coming down pretty hard I'll just yoga at home) I am going to stick to my diet of 1500-1600 calories and I am going to try to get to 40/35/25 for ratios. After grocery shopping today that should be a little easier if I can just keep the sweet tooth in check. I am also going to try to revamp my resume, maybe a face lift will help me to land a job. And I will start a new book.
Wish me luck... I'm gonna need it.
I think back to how I managed to lose the weight before. And although I succeeded, I was miserable. Eating a VERY strict, VERY boring diet, of the same thing (40%carbs, 40%protein, 20%fat almost exact every day). Egg sandwich for breakfast, snack of fruit and yogurt, lunch of protein packed sandwich or salad, snack of protein bar or pb&j sandwich, and dinner of veggies and chicken. The only time it changed was if I wanted cereal for breakfast instead then I did protein powder cereal. If there was a party or something I never ate cake or ice cream for fear of wanting more of it. On occasion I got fiber one bars for a snack. And although I managed to keep that going over the course of a year, getting my weight down to an impressive 130 lbs. I was miserable and when I got into maintenance mode I couldn't keep it up for another year. I tried my best to keep it going, but being a chef brings in a whole new set of problems. I hated tracking every single thing that went into my body and even more I hated the guilty feeling I got when I ate something I knew wasn't in my dietary plan. I would love to have my old body back and lose the almost 20 lbs I've gained, but at what cost. To not enjoy the gift of food seems like an awfully high price to pay. For a while my motivation to be able to eat more was to work out, the more I worked out the more food I was allowed to eat, unfortunately I was not eating good for me foods which in turn just make things worse.
I'm not sure how I can find a happy medium. One might think I did it before I can do it again, and I keep trying to find that willpower I once had. But so many things are different now. I worked out because I needed to work through depressing times, and I needed some happiness, even if it was artificial. I also didn't cook for anyone else and didn't worry about how my eating affected someone else. I do now, which adds another level of confusion.
As for the rest of my challenge. I'm managing. Like I have said time and time again every day that I apply for 5 jobs and don't get even 1 response is one more day I feel like its a useless cause. But I keep on truckin.
The stress less thing is a near impossibility with my return to work inching nearer. And our house still not being started yet. But now that I'm done with my most recent book series, I will be starting on some others that might help me to get over the stress hump.
Been trying to do things I love daily, mostly it has been reading as I read 6 books in the month of February alone. My goal was 12 in a year and I'm already at 7 this year and we're not even at March 1st yet! So that is definitely a success. Like I said I will be moving onto a book with a little more substance next. Not that I don't love mysteries involving high priced stilettos, but one can only read so much of those.
My calories for the day is right around 1600 which is still pretty good, at around 45/30/25 which is also pretty good. Hopefully I can find some motivation over the next week to eat healthier. I know I need to remove some more of the sugar from my diet, I just need to find a way to do that. Easier said than done.
My goal for tomorrow is to do yoga first thing in the am (which may or may not be at 3 bridges depending on the snow fall. If its still coming down pretty hard I'll just yoga at home) I am going to stick to my diet of 1500-1600 calories and I am going to try to get to 40/35/25 for ratios. After grocery shopping today that should be a little easier if I can just keep the sweet tooth in check. I am also going to try to revamp my resume, maybe a face lift will help me to land a job. And I will start a new book.
Wish me luck... I'm gonna need it.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Learning to push
So yesterday was a rough day as I had said before, although it wasn't as bad as I had expected. Calorie was I was only at about 1600, which isn't bad considering I though I was going to be closer to 1800. I didn't hit any of my bodybugg goals but seeing as my back was in immense pain I didn't do much of anything yesterday, so that was kind of expected. I did get some reading in, and I did reshape my nails (although gave up on polishing them). And I did apply for something like 7 more jobs.
Today I have already applied for another 5, and this is where the learning to push comes into play. Day after day of applying for new jobs starts off with such promise. But after 2 and a half months of it, you start to feel beyond discouraged. At that point is where it is hard to keep going, hard to push forward. You start feeling like you're destined to stay where you're at regardless of how unhappy you are there. Depressing is the only word I can think to describe how you feel. It almost feels like with every resume you send out, its one more person saying, nope sorry you're not good enough. That can be really really hard to overcome. It doesn't matter how many people tell you how great you are, or how perfectly you fit that job description, you have just 15-30 seconds to make that first impression. No pressure guys! At this point I want to give up. I know I can't if I want to retain any sibilance of sanity... So I keep pushing forward, hoping, trying, praying that I will be able to find just that 1 company, to give me a chance.
As for the healthy eating, today was much better. I'm at about 1550 projected calories for the day, which is perfect. My ratios are right where I want them. As for a workout, I know I need to get one in today, and I will. But I'm just not sure how hard I will be able to push. My back is still a little sore depending how I move. Not nearly as bad as yesterday, so we'll see what happens. The goal is to double up since I missed yesterdays and do intense cardio (fire 60) and lifting (push circuit 2). I'm hoping since its push 2 which only does 1 muscle group at a time that my back will be able to handle it. I think the cardio will be fine as long as I don't try to over do it by kicking too high or punching too hard. Either way though, I do want to hit all of my bodybugg goals for the day. (burn 2050 calories, 8000 steps, 30 mins moderate exercise and 15 mins vigorous exercise)
Wish me luck!
Today I have already applied for another 5, and this is where the learning to push comes into play. Day after day of applying for new jobs starts off with such promise. But after 2 and a half months of it, you start to feel beyond discouraged. At that point is where it is hard to keep going, hard to push forward. You start feeling like you're destined to stay where you're at regardless of how unhappy you are there. Depressing is the only word I can think to describe how you feel. It almost feels like with every resume you send out, its one more person saying, nope sorry you're not good enough. That can be really really hard to overcome. It doesn't matter how many people tell you how great you are, or how perfectly you fit that job description, you have just 15-30 seconds to make that first impression. No pressure guys! At this point I want to give up. I know I can't if I want to retain any sibilance of sanity... So I keep pushing forward, hoping, trying, praying that I will be able to find just that 1 company, to give me a chance.
As for the healthy eating, today was much better. I'm at about 1550 projected calories for the day, which is perfect. My ratios are right where I want them. As for a workout, I know I need to get one in today, and I will. But I'm just not sure how hard I will be able to push. My back is still a little sore depending how I move. Not nearly as bad as yesterday, so we'll see what happens. The goal is to double up since I missed yesterdays and do intense cardio (fire 60) and lifting (push circuit 2). I'm hoping since its push 2 which only does 1 muscle group at a time that my back will be able to handle it. I think the cardio will be fine as long as I don't try to over do it by kicking too high or punching too hard. Either way though, I do want to hit all of my bodybugg goals for the day. (burn 2050 calories, 8000 steps, 30 mins moderate exercise and 15 mins vigorous exercise)
Wish me luck!
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