The scale.

Ok, so I usually don't let the scale get to me that much but today it was really hard to see it go up a pound and a half. I wish it were as simple as "Calories in Vs Calories out" cause if that were the case I would be down just under 1 pound. I wish I understood the body more to know understand why it went up so much. Nick told me not to let it bother me, as I've done some pretty intense lifting this week, and although I completely agree and know that will affect it. My body fat also didn't change and the rest of the counts weren't off much at all. Makes me wonder. It also sucks all of the motivation out of me. Its insane that just 1 week ago I was in full fledged 100% motivation mode, and now my motivation is down to about 10%.

I think back to how I managed to lose the weight before. And although I succeeded, I was miserable. Eating a VERY strict, VERY boring diet, of the same thing (40%carbs, 40%protein, 20%fat almost exact every day). Egg sandwich for breakfast, snack of fruit and yogurt, lunch of protein packed sandwich or salad, snack of protein bar or pb&j sandwich, and dinner of veggies and chicken. The only time it changed was if I wanted cereal for breakfast instead then I did protein powder cereal. If there was a party or something I never ate cake or ice cream for fear of wanting more of it. On occasion I got fiber one bars for a snack. And although I managed to keep that going over the course of a year, getting my weight down to an impressive 130 lbs. I was miserable and when I got into maintenance mode I couldn't keep it up for another year. I tried my best to keep it going, but being a chef brings in a whole new set of problems. I hated tracking every single thing that went into my body and even more I hated the guilty feeling I got when I ate something I knew wasn't in my dietary plan. I would love to have my old body back and lose the almost 20 lbs I've gained, but at what cost. To not enjoy the gift of food seems like an awfully high price to pay. For a while my motivation to be able to eat more was to work out, the more I worked out the more food I was allowed to eat, unfortunately I was not eating good for me foods which in turn just make things worse.

I'm not sure how I can find a happy medium. One might think I did it before I can do it again, and I keep trying to find that willpower I once had. But so many things are different now. I worked out because I needed to work through depressing times, and I needed some happiness, even if it was artificial. I also didn't cook for anyone else and didn't worry about how my eating affected someone else. I do now, which adds another level of confusion.

As for the rest of my challenge. I'm managing. Like I have said time and time again every day that I apply for 5 jobs and don't get even 1 response is one more day I feel like its a useless cause. But I keep on truckin.

The stress less thing is a near impossibility with my return to work inching nearer. And our house still not being started yet. But now that I'm done with my most recent book series, I will be starting on some others that might help me to get over the stress hump.

Been trying to do things I love daily, mostly it has been reading as I read 6 books in the month of February alone. My goal was 12 in a year and I'm already at 7 this year and we're not even at March 1st yet! So that is definitely a success. Like I said I will be moving onto a book with a little more substance next. Not that I don't love mysteries involving high priced stilettos, but one can only read so much of those.

My calories for the day is right around 1600 which is still pretty good, at around 45/30/25 which is also pretty good. Hopefully I can find some motivation over the next week to eat healthier. I know I need to remove some more of the sugar from my diet, I just need to find a way to do that. Easier said than done.

My goal for tomorrow is to do yoga first thing in the am (which may or may not be at 3 bridges depending on the snow fall. If its still coming down pretty hard I'll just yoga at home) I am going to stick to my diet of 1500-1600 calories and I am going to try to get to 40/35/25 for ratios. After grocery shopping today that should be a little easier if I can just keep the sweet tooth in check. I am also going to try to revamp my resume, maybe a face lift will help me to land a job. And I will start a new book.

Wish me luck... I'm gonna need it.